Funny Jokes thread

[admin]

O.k. Post your funny jokes here....

I'll start.


An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[admin]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2.

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5.
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7.
When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8.
When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[admin]

Why woman shouldn 't have ladies nights...

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. sh!t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[admin]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[admin]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[admin]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is

that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee or Diet Coke.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.


...AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

[admin]

EVER WONDER where we are headed...
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavor?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?
AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because???)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[admin]

Phone Number Magic Trick

1. Grab a calculator (You won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Wierd huh?

[admin]

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
3. The name of all the continents ends with the same
letter that they start with.
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. There are two credit cards for every person in
the United States.
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made
using the letters only on one row ! of the keyboard.
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because
when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be
the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you
try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in
your head or neck and die.
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great
king from history. Spades - King David Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both
front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
17. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died
as a result of wounds received in battle.
18. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died of natural causes.
19. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
20. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - Honey
21. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
22. A snail can sleep for three years.
23. All polar bears are left handed.
24. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one
olive from each salad served in first-class.
25. Butterflies taste with their feet.
26. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
27. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
28. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
29. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
30. Stewardesses are the longest word typed with only the left hand.
31. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
32. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
33. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
34. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have
over million descendants.
35. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria
in your ear by 700 times.
36. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
37. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
38. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
39. There is a Butterfly in Brazil which has the color of chocolates
and also smells like Chocolate
40. Giraffee can clean there ears with their tongue
41. Both Humans and Giraffee have the same number of bones in the neck
42. And finally 99% of people who read this would try to lick their elbow now..

[admin]

A frog walks into a bank, and sits down at the desk of the loan officer,
Patricia Mack.

He says, " I'd like to borrow $30,000, please, Ms. Mack. I need a vacation."

She looks at him with a puzzled expression on her face, says "Call me Patty, OK?", asks him what his name is.

"Kermit Jagger", the frog replies. " I'm Mick Jaggers' son, and I'm a personal friend of the manager".

"Well, we don't normally loan money to frogs", Mrs. Mack says. "Do you have any collateral?"

"Sure," says the frog. At which point he hands Mrs. Mack a small pink
ceramic elephant.

Patricia Mack takes the elephant from Kermit, and tells him she needs to check with the bank manager first.

Moments later, she's standing in the managers office relating the entire story for him. She says "There's a frog outside who claims he's Mick Jaggers' son, and that he knows you. He's looking to borrow $30,000, and he's offering this elephant as collateral. But I don't understand... what the Hell is it?"

The manager looks at Mrs. Mack and says...










"It's a knickknack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."